A new year started again, and things were looking great. I pulled in a job specifically for funding this project and it was going very well. I was also taking better care of myself, losing weight, and working out again. I know part of my frustration with this project alluded to the disappointment in my physical being, and I was the only one who could change that. I wasn’t getting any younger, and my body was casually plunging into a frumpy comfort zone that was just going to be harder to rejuvenate as time went on. It wasn’t going to be easy, but sometimes successful projects just need to be powered by happiness and confidence.
I had been making some great connections in music again, but I didn’t have much inspiration to write. So, I decided to let the path take its own course and focus on music a bit while I worked on a plan to put this project in motion. I had everything I needed going for me to put things in motion, but I wasn’t sure which ball I was supposed to get rolling. Just when I felt like I had it all in place, things began to unravel piece by piece. My aunt passed away… the one I took on the boat with me. Then my sweet dog who was in her senior years began to deteriorate. For those that know me, they know this dog was like another child to me. I didn’t leave her side for a month – giving her everything she needed and just hoping and praying that God would take her peacefully when the time came. I just wanted her to live as happily as possible for as long as possible. God granted my wish, but I still wasn’t ready. He took her one day peacefully and without pain, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I felt like I couldn’t breathe – like there was no air in any room no matter where I went. I had to learn to live again… but without one of the most important things in my life. My world revolved around my kids and this dog and now one was gone. My entire routine changed, and I wasn’t ok. I didn’t know how to go to bed at night without giving her food and medicine. I didn’t know how to wake up without refilling her food and water bowl. I didn’t even know how to walk down the hall without looking back to make sure she was sleeping peacefully. Each day began to get a little better, and each time I felt the lump in my throat I’d either allow it and shed a few tears or I’d quickly ask God to make it stop hurting.
I continued to make some great connections and tried to move forward as normally as possible. I started believing in “Angel Numbers” as I always saw 222 or 444 everywhere, every day. I found it mystifying that my Jupiter tattoo always looked like a 24 to me and I was seeing 2’s and 4’s everywhere. Coincidence or not, I needed those little whispers, and I welcomed them even if they were just fairytales. After all, fairytales exist to make you feel that everything is going to be ok. That’s what I needed most – just reminders that things would be fine.
Somehow, I ended up in an interview with my other half as we were asked to be a part of a songwriting duo contest to be aired on HBO Max. I thought it was a bit crazy, but I went with it thinking maybe that was all part of the plan to meet more contacts for this project. I didn’t want to let myself get excited about it, but I think a part of me did anyway. As luck would have it, we didn’t make the final cut. I was fine with that and thankful for the new friend I had made in the process. She proved to be a soul connection that believed in everything I was doing – including the project. Though I wasn’t 100% sure of her place in the scheme of things, I knew it was there for a reason.
I also finally got to see the band that rocked my world at 13 rock the stage live. It was an experience I won’t forget, and it pushed me even more into exploring the music areas that had been collecting dust for a while. I was playing and singing more than I had in years and it not only felt good… it felt right. I started saying “yes” to more opportunities, while also shooting my shot with anyone that I thought might take me seriously. I had everything going right for once, and I was excited to push forward in every direction that presented itself. I wasn’t even sure which direction I wanted. I just knew music was filling a void for me and this project felt more possible than ever. I set up a few meetings with possible sponsors, most of which were met with enthusiasm but no funds. I knew this was going to take a special visionary to work alongside me, though, so I wasn’t even discouraged. Doors kept opening so quickly I felt like I was living the dream – until one closed.
Just as always, the client that appeared to be the missing piece of my puzzle decided they no longer wanted to use contractors and let me go without any notice. Just like that, my financial stability was rocked again. I went from 6 figures to 5 figures and panic almost set in before I realized I was used to this. I’m not sure why I expected this client to be any different. This was my pattern. Gain a client… enjoy 3 to 6 months of bliss… then watch it get ripped away without any notice or logical reason. Oddly enough, I’d dreamed about two weeks prior that this client was ending my contract. I should have known then it was coming. My dreams always seem to lead the way or at least provide some hints if I just listen. Again, I was back at ground zero with my project. I no longer had funds to market it, and now I had to spend my time finding a new client or two rather than writing. Part of me wanted to stand up and yell “THIS IS ENOUGH!!!” to God or the Universe or whomever would listen to my pity party. I had taken about all I could… but somehow, I just felt optimistic about what the next chapter would hold. Maybe it was denial again or maybe it was blind faith, but I just knew it was going to be ok. I had made too much progress to back peddle now. I WAS going to continue working out and being a healthier version of me. I WAS going to dive even further into music because it was healing my broken pieces. And I WAS going to set up more meetings to sponsor this project. I just knew in the depths of my soul that someone was going to connect with me that had the ability to see this project through. I turned up the music louder, began searching for a new client, and also allowed myself some space to think without doing. Sometimes, taking a break and clearing your mind is the best thing to do. So I pulled out my laptop and wrote the chapter you just read.