Trauma does strange things to the mind, and relationships are not excluded from this. At some point in your life, you might be faced with the perfect mate, but somehow not the perfect relationship you envisioned. After about a month of this divinely quixotic period of my life, something changed. Trauma from past relationships exploded from within him, and he built a fortress around our emotional connection. He was a different man… like he had just woken from a dream, and nothingness was his new reality. The love was still there, but the relationship was not. He refused to believe what he was feeling and instead shut off the power to every circuit he thought might lead to a relationship with me. There was no explanation, and I’d never been so confused in all my life. It was like someone took over his soul for 30 days and he was madly in love with me with every molecule of his being… and then that person just vaporized like it never existed in the first place. Walls had been put up and no one had access – not even him. He morphed into a shell of himself, robotically tending to his work like a trained machine and taking care of the child he had when it was his weekend with her. We still talked every day, but it was back to our initial casual conversations like used to have. Shock filled the broken pieces, and I attempted to go with the flow, hoping that my taste of pure bliss would return again and even develop into something more. The thing about real love is… once you have experimented with it, there isn’t a power on earth that can feel greater. There is no drug, no adrenaline rush, and no stronger connection than when you find your soul mate. Even if you think you don’t want it, you’ll find you’re addicted to that feeling and no one else can offer it. There’s a bit of panic that evolves after finding your soul mate and then losing it. You know you have to move on, but there’s a force within you that simply doesn’t allow it. You can continue about your day and deny the feelings, but they’ll always fight for your attention. They don’t play fair. You could be enjoying time with friends, in a business meeting, or just about to have a nap in the tranquility of your home and they pop up with the vengeance of a summer storm. Sometimes those feelings go beyond the typical intimate relationship, and you realize this person needs you as much as you need them. That’s when your idea of a relationship levels up and you realize the soul mate game presents itself as a different species. Your soul mate isn’t a romance movie, a passing love affair, an exploding chemistry, or even a perfect marriage. Soul mates can’t be away from each other even when they know it would be so much easier if they could. There was a magnetic force to our relationship and suddenly it wasn’t just about me anymore. I was going to help this person heal from his trauma. I was going to be the person that made him believe in love again. I would be the great hero that saved the day and allowed him to tear down his own walls even if it was one crumbling brick a day. The problem with this mindset is that there is no training for it. There is no uniform. There are no weapons. You walk onto a battlefield naked and unarmed and you’re willing to put yourself aside for an undecided period of time to help someone else. This is a strategy I neither recommend nor glorify. Looking back, I probably would have told myself that someone else’s trauma is not my job to fix. However, I was ready for the war, and no one could have steered me elsewhere.
A decade later, I was still battling. I realized then that I had picked a war that could possibly never be won. I remembered I was supposed to be happy. I remembered I had a life of dreams to fulfill, too. And I realized that I was going to do all of that – while dragging him along for the ride. The thing I learned about being with a soul mate is that you must simply make a decision in life. Do you accept them the way they are, or do you give up on them when it just doesn’t make sense to continue? I knew that I would rather have a soul mate as my best friend for life than build a superficial relationship with someone else just because it was easier and more satisfying to my own needs. This was a man that was never going to leave me, lie to me, cheat on me, hurt me, etc. This was my person. He was as honest as he could be, never asking me to be anything other than myself and never promising more of himself than he felt he could give. Fairy tales are great and romantic movies are wonderful, but in real life sometimes it looks more like digging your hands in the dirt and watching the roots grow year by year. Deciding to forego any chance of a scene-stealing romantic relationship in exchange for my best friend is one of the heaviest burdens my mind has ever tossed back and forth. It went against all my best advice, it contradicted my life’s motto of allowing someone to simply join me in my happiness, and I was setting myself up for a life that I knew would be hard. In return, I was getting my lifelong best friend all to myself… forever. We didn’t have to put it on paper or even say it out loud. When you find your soulmate, that’s just the way it is. It was an understatement that we would never be dating anyone else. It never had to be said. There is good in the world when someone is strong enough to lay down their own selfish desires to simply invest in another person’s well-being (assuming that person is respectfully receiving and appreciative of the work you’re doing). The only problem is that the strong person continues to wear the cape and the world around them forgets they have needs, too.
When a person is confident, strong, and happy the world tends to gravitate towards them. Gravity is impossible to resist, though, and there’s a healthy amount one should acquire to live life to the fullest. Feet stuck in concrete will never take you places, but a loose balloon can’t bring enjoyment to anything but the air. Doing good should never look like sacrificial giving until it destroys you. Allowing yourself to do good means you have to continue feeding good into yourself. These are the things that plagued me for a decade or two. I was pouring good into everything I set my mind to – and forgetting to replenish everything that made me want to continue. Doing good in the world feels empowering and offers a feeling somewhat reminiscent of being in love. Giving love and kindness offers an instant adrenaline release that tricks your brain into thinking that’s all you need. You give yourself to others because of their response. That look, that hug, that “thank you”, that tear in their eye, that smile – instant feelings are returned to you tenfold and everything you did for a person is suddenly multiplied in little gifts of dopamine wrapped perfectly with confetti paper and sparkly metallic ribbon. It’s addicting to say the least, and you find yourself wanting to give more and more just to aimlessly roll down that hill of another person’s gratefulness. In a strange way, it almost replaces any cognitive essence of needing someone to do these things for you. Some call it a trauma response. There’s an undeserving feeling of guilt that consumes you when the favor is returned, so you turn from those opportunities. Instead, you continue being the giver because the feelings are more comfortable and encompassing (you think). Little by little you train yourself that you were put here on earth to do good things, and this stoic feeling of being that chosen one strong enough for the job has acclimatized you. You become bigger than your feelings – stronger than your emotions. You can handle it all and you want more of it. If only people knew that doing good was such a power trip, wouldn’t everyone seek it? You begin to feel anointed in the job at hand and you assume others just don’t understand or receive the same calling. How can people be mean? How can they choose to be disrespectful? If being kind is so addicting, why aren’t there more people hooked on it? You might even attribute your feelings to religious beliefs that you’re choosing to live like Jesus, and you are finally understanding His purpose for you. Without a doubt, if you are a believer in the Bible, Jesus wants you to do good and be kind. He even asks you to put others first and treat your enemies and neighbors equally. However, I don’t believe there is any part of being a Christian where God asks you to ONLY do for others while denying others to do for you as well. As with anything else, good comes with extremes and the world only exists peacefully with moderation.